Most people in the UK have heard of a Japanese Game Show called Takeshi’s Castle. It features one hundred contestants who are slowly knocked out (sometimes literally), round by round as they advance to the final challenge.
Wipe Out, which starts tomorrow night on ABC, is a very similar show - and it’s absolutely hysterical. There’s already some episodes on YouTube, for those of you not in the USA.
So, it’s 5:20am and Sheila and I leave home as normal. Sheila starts work at 6am and I usually walk her there then just walk back - but not today! Having just gotten my Permanent Resident’s Card I am now able to go and get a Social Security Card and Number, so today I’d be going to do that instead.
I wander around for an hour or so taking photographs of the Sears Tower from the south-side, the sun comes up and at the same time various dark clouds begin to appear in the sky. “These are probably the clouds - and storm - that were meant to arrive at 3pm yesterday afternoon” - I think to myself.
As I begin to walk back towards the centre of the city I hear a rumble of thunder and the heavens opened… Finding shelter by the side of one of the many skyscrapers I notice a store inside the lobby that would probably sell umbrella’s. I walk in and buy an umbrella that says “Wind-Proof” on the packaging… I walk outside and on only the second or third gust of wind, my “Wind-Proof” umbrella breaks.
Now using my broken umbrella, I continue to wander around. I find the building that I think is the Social Security building and I walk inside to ask one of the Security Guards - he confirms I have found the right place. I memorise the cross-streets that run alongside the building entrance and leave to see if I can find something to eat as I still have about an hour to wait.
I see a McDonald’s Restaurant near the Daley Plaza and wander inside. I walk up to the counter and order a McMuffin, Hash Brown and Coke. I swipe my card and literally not one second later, my food appears next to the payment console. “Wow! That was fast…” I thought to myself.
I sit myself down on a bar stool style seat next to the window. Helpfully there is a bank outside it with one of those temperature and time readouts and someone also left their newspaper. So I read their paper, eat my food and stare out of the window until the clock across the road reads ‘8:20am’.
I walk back to the Social Security Administration building, using my broken umbrella to keep myself as dry as I can, go through the ‘airport style’ security in the main lobby and head up the two escalators to the office I need only to find I was beaten to it by about ten other people - and it’s only 8:30am. The office doesn’t even open until 9am! I sit on the floor along with everyone else and as 9am gets closer, more and more people turn up and sit around (there are no chairs in that office lobby).
Then finally it’s 9am and some sort of Security Guard walks up and goes into the office. He looks like one of those guys who probably used to be in the Army, who probably was a Drill Sergeant, who probably could have been in the Marines - but felt they weren’t tough enough for him, you know the type. He gives a little speech before he opens the door, telling everyone to check-in using the computer terminal, take a number and wait until you are called to a window.
As everyone moves towards the door I suddenly find myself no longer the 11th person in line, but the 29th (I counted because it pissed me off). How that happened I have no idea, but the rest of the folks queuing up obviously have no idea how to be polite enough to realize it should be first come, first served. I finally get my ticket printed at 9:05am.
About an hour flashes by and I’m still sat there. I have already noted that people who came long after me have already long-gone, but I’m not bitter, oh no, I’m not bitter. Those people who left, missed one of the most entertaining things I have ever seen in my entire life. The entertainment came from the aforementioned Security Guard and a guy who seems to lack both common sense and decency…
So, it’s about 10:10am. Bearing in mind that what people do in a Social Security office is work with people’s private information, you’d expect people to be pretty respectful of one another’s privacy, wouldn’t you? Well, I watch a man walk up to a window where someone else is being served, he stands right at the side of the other person and starts butting into their conversation. He probably only wanted to know a little thing, he probably only wanted to talk for a moment, but he could have waited… If he had, maybe the Security Guard wouldn’t have seen him and said “Excuse me, Sir? Can you move back and give that Gentleman some privacy?”
No response. He continues trying to talk to the person in the window…
“Sir, move back and give him some privacy.” Says the Guard.
“Sir, move back and give him some privacy.” Says the Guard again.
This time, the man turns and in a pretty disrespectful tone of voice says “What!? MAN!”
The Guard repeats “What. Man? I said can you move back, Sir.”
The Guard notices pretty quickly that he is being ignored and he walks around the desk where people are filling out application forms, walking right infront of me to do so. It’s at this point that I thought to myself how I wouldn’t mess with the Guard…
The man, seeing the Guard approaching him, starts to walk backwards away from the window, but as he does I could hear a few things being said under his breath. He then says “Don’t touch me, man. Don’t put your hands on me.”
The Guard, probably as puzzled as I am by how the man was reacting, says nothing.
As soon as the man said “Don’t fucking put your hands on me, man!” He had crossed a line.
“If I do put my hands on you, your face will be pushed to the floor.” Said the Guard. “You need to leave the building. Now.”
The man, who didn’t seem to have grasped that his visit to the Social Security building was over, just repeated what he’d said before…
Suddenly the Guard in one swift motion seemed to both push and pull the man at the same time. The man ended bent over, with his elbow inverted and his hand being held by the thumb. It sort of looked like the Guard could have broken both the man’s arm and thumb at the same time if he had wanted to. The Guard started to march the guy, still in the arm-hold, to the door while the man continued to say things I couldn’t really understand (because of his accent) except for the swearwords.
Then, the magic happened, the man came out with the funniest thing he could have possibly said… “God Damn, Robo-Cop, Mother Fucker!”
The rest of my day pales in comparison, but never wanting to leave a story unfinished, here it is. I applied for my Social Security Card and it’ll arrive in about two weeks, I waited about two and a half hours in total. After that, I walked (with broken umbrella) back to the nearest Bus Stop for the Bus that goes by our Condo, got the bus, then sat on it for ten minutes while the driver (who presumably doesn’t like the work breaks given to her by law each day), went to the store to buy groceries. Of course, as she is out of the bus, a queue begins to form of various people who’re all getting wet… But hey, at least when the doors opened and my ride continued home it was first come, first served.
You probably won’t want to read this if you’re turned off by toilet humor or brutal honesty. 
I went to Starbucks this morning for a cup of coffee… (Bear in mind this is real coffee, something we don’t drink that much in England, it’s very strong compared to our stuff…) I carried on walking around, taking pictures of the city, sipping from my coffee cup. I walked to Lincoln Park Zoo and continued taking pictures, then it came to leaving…
I walked through Lincoln Park and - OH MY GOD - I literally HAD to take a taxi because either it was that, or I was going to crap my pants right there. The whole taxi ride home I was farting silently - but nervously - wondering with each one whether it would be the one that would deliver wetness…
As the taxi pulled up at the back of our house, I handed him way too much money (but payment that he was probably due, considering the way his taxi smelled by the time I departed it), got out, waddled upstairs, sat on the toilet and just exploded…
I really need to learn from this and avoid Coffee entirely like I used to. I need my mum to send me some Douwe Egberts Instant Coffee from the UK…
I have to admit, I am so excited today - and for a really weird reason considering I am not a U.S. citizen or legal to vote!
After eight years of darkness under the Evil Sith Lord, we are about to enter a new era (I hope)…
Over the past week or so, Sheila and I have watched all the Star Wars movies, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel to the current events.
This advert. was on during the Superbowl, it gets Sheila in hysterics every time…
You know, I’ve wondered something for a few years now… Don’t laugh, but I wonder: What was the first person who discovered humans could drink Cow’s Milk actually trying to do? I assume that as drinking milk is now considered ‘normal’ nobody thinks about it - but I do…
That sick individual must have seen a Cow standing there, saw a calf feeding and decided to give it a go! How sick is that!?
My second query - and an extension to the query above - is this: Did this same individual attempt to milk a Bull, too?
Makes you think, huh? All these things we do today, if we were around when they were first done, would we think they were disgusting? Or those first magician’s, would we think they were just people capable of tricks, or witches? Come to think of it, I think I just figured the whole Bible thing out.
I heard that former Chicago Bears player Tank Johnson had joined the Cowboys, so I made a picture of him with a gun and a Cowboy Hat - yeehaw! I hope he has a gun license…
So, I had a root canal this afternoon. I have to say that Dental care here in the USA far exceeds that in the UK. I thought that tooth was a goner but the man saved it… I did have to go through pain from Thursday evening to Monday morning though - and that sucks. I have apparently given time for the infection to spread to my jaw bone, so hopefully the antibiotics can get rid of that before I return next Tuesday for the cap. After I got home I looked at the small-print for both sets of pills and the side-effect listed on one of “death” made me laugh. Now that’s hardly a side-effect, is it?
The really cool thing is that the town name where my dentist is, is “Justice.” It’s so cool…
Oh and I’d also like to thank Aetna Health Insurance for covering 100% of the Root Canal and for knocking $128 off the pills.
If Scientists (sigh) are right, an impact with Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula 65 million years ago caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, blackened the sky, choked the air, brought massive tsunami and raging wildfires.
While the dinosaurs were busy dying an early relative of the Alligator was, I assume, sat in a 3ft-deep pond just a few hundred miles away from the impact zone saying to himself “What was that noise?”
What I don’t understand is, why did they survive? When the earliest relatives to the Alligator appeared 300 million years ago (according to Scientists - sigh), what made them the reptile too tough to kill off?
Perhaps all the retirees who move down to Florida know something the rest of the world does not? Maybe Florida has some kind of invincibility field?
I’m a logical guy, but I have trouble believing theories when some contrary evidence continues to tap me on the shoulder. There are Alligators in China and America, so I don’t understand how the ones in America got through the extinction? What were they eating? Of course China might have been a safe distance from ground-zero, perhaps the Alligator high-council (a pre-historic NATO) shipped Alligator’s back to America once the dust began to settle?
I’m just having a laugh, really. But I can’t help thinking this kind of stuff - I have to amuse myself somehow.
Want to know my theory? A plant disease. That killed the Herbivores (plant-eaters), so the Omnivores (mixed-diet) and Carnivores (meat-eaters) had nothing to eat. This is the only circumstance on which I can think that some land animals survived along with most water/sea creatures.
I was on the Red Line Subway in Chicago this morning, on my way to collect my wallet.
I was stood near the doors as most of the seating was full, but I noticed a Mexican looking man sleeping in a nearby seat with his head swaying around. Suddenly as we approached a station he started screaming in his sleep - a real high-pitched wail too! The doors opened in the station and everyone who was sat nearby bolted for the doors, leaving the man sat all alone with me stood closest.
At the next station the man seemed to have settled back into his sleep, a guy got on the train and sat behind the sleeping Mexican. As the doors began to close and the automated voice said “Next stop: Lake Street” the Mexican jumped to his feet with his eyes shut and with no chance of making it before the doors closed, walked straight into a metal pole. The young guy who’d just got on the train burst out laughing as I took in a lung full of air through my teeth and whispered “Ouch…”
The Mexican simply slumped back to sleep in the seat beside the pole… I got off at the next station, who knows what wonders happened on the rest of that magical ride!? I will never know…